Dilaudid
by DeepSeaFanglyFish
Summary: Sirius comes home to find Remus talking to his brother and thinks he is the traitor. It is hard to figure out who to trust, and the war has them walking on eggshells with each other. RLSB. Title taken from the Mountain Goats song (not the drug)


_Let's pretend the fog has lifted_  
_Now you see me, now you don't_  
_Now you say you love me_  
_Pretty soon you won't_  
_If we get our full three score and ten_  
_We won't pass this way again_  
_So kiss me with your mouth open_

* * *

The flat is quiet in a way that it almost never is, which can only mean one thing: Sirius is on a mission.

Remus loves when the flat is quiet, but only when it's because Sirius is at the grocery store or visiting James and Lily. He absolutely cannot stand it when the flat is quiet because Sirius is doing something for the Order. It is the same every time: he sits on the couch near the fireplace with a muggle book and read the same paragraph again and again for a few hours before he decides he needs to try to sleep, at which point he goes to bed an tosses and turns the whole night before beginning the process again the next day. Sometimes he'll go visit James, but usually he doesn't want to disturb his nice peaceful little family. Well, at least he doesn't want to disturb the few peaceful moments that they do get. Life can hardly be described as peaceful when the most powerful dark wizard in the world is out to kill your son.

And so tonight he is on his first cup of tea. It has a bit of valerian root in it, and if this does not make him tired, he'll add a few drops of drowsiness draught to his next cup. Tonight feels like one of those nights that he'll need it.

Sirius did not tell him when he was coming back, which he usually doesn't. Remus isn't sure if this is because he is not allowed or because he does not know or for some other reason that he doesn't want to think about. Either way, it makes him worried, as he is quite prone to worrying. He chews absentmindedly on his thumbnail. The valerian root isn't helping.

It's so ridiculous, anyway. None of their friends are betraying them. Peter's too... Peter. He's too sweet and anyway, he is a follower, not a leader, and he would never be able to switch sides by himself, especially not without anyone noticing. Not that he would. And it's not Sirius. Sirius is James' best friend. And besides, he knows Sirius. Sirius is a warm harm and a pair of shining silver eyes and a grin that makes his heart speed up when they're curled up together in bed late at night. Sirius makes him hot tea when he's anxious. Sirius would never intentionally hurt any of his friends.

This is what Remus is sure of, and he's just starting to calm down when a head that looks an awful lot like Sirius' appears in the fire. He leans in, squinting, a bit curious. He doesn't know when, exactly, Sirius is supposed to get home, but he's pretty sure now is too early, and besides, he never floos back from missions for the Order. It isn't until he speaks that he realizes who it is:

"Is Sirius here?"

And then he's shaking his head because his eyes are wide and he hasn't spoken to Regulus in years, and he kind of panicked, to be honest. His head disappears, and then the fire turns green, and his best friend/lover's little brother is standing in front of him, his face more flushed than he's ever seen it, his eyes the kind of scared he's only ever seen in Sirius' late at night after rough nights working for the order. However, he knows there is a dark mark buried under his sleeve, and this thought makes him sit up straighter, glad he hasn't taken his drowsiness draught yet as he reaches for his wand. Regulus, however, holds a hand up, and reaches into his pocket to get his wand, setting it down on the coffee table. It's a sign of peace, Remus guesses, so he puts his own away.

"Is, uh, what's going on?" His thoughts go to Sirius right away, and what if Regulus was there, at whatever Sirius is working on, and saw something happen to him? He is a death eater, but he is also a brother. He feels sick for a moment before he remembers him asking if Sirius was here.

"I need advice," he says.

Remus stares at him blankly.

"I... it's so wrong."

"Yeah? I hadn't noticed."

This smaller, tougher Sirius is more vulnerable than even Sirius usually is in front of Remus, and he bites his lip nervously, looking away. "How do I get out?"

Remus has absolutely no idea what to say to this. He's sure there are death eaters that have doubts, but he doubts any of them show it, let alone express a desire to leave. "I'm sorry... but why are you _here_?" is what he ends up saying.

"Well, who else would I talk to?" he asks sarcastically. "My best friends?"

Remus has even less of an idea of what to say to this. He has always had his friends, and even if they are all confused and doubting each other and a bit suspicious, he knows he can talk to them.

"I don't like it," he says. "It's just... you know. It's what they want me to do. Wanted. What my mother still wants me to do."

"You know you're a big boy now? You can do what you want?"

He looks a bit sick as he pulls his sleeve up. There is a sick, black design on the inside of his forearm that makes Remus' stomach churn. "You can't just leave."

"Could... could we help you?" Remus is still suspicious, but here is Sirius' little brother with that look in his eyes that matches one that Sirius has every now and again, one that makes his knees buckle and his will weak.

"Sirius won't."

"Maybe if you talk to him. We could hide you."

"I'm sure that'll work."

It's been working for James and Lily, he wants to say, but the words stay in his head because he's not the secret keeper, first of all, and anyway, the man in front of him still has a dark mark on his arm. "I think it will," he says instead. "We can talk to them. We know people who could help if this is really what you want."

"I hate asking for your help, you know. I just don't know what to do. It's horrible. I don't really believe in it. I can't... I can't kill people because of who their parents are. Of all people, I know that you can't help that."

He doesn't say anything, just watches the genuine expession on Regulus' face. "I should talk to him first. I think he'd panic a bit if he saw you."

"I know." There is a soft, awkward pause. "I'm sorry about your friends."

Remus shrugs. He doesn't want to say too much. He doesn't think he should be saying anything, really, but it's Sirius' little brother, and he's _changed_, and he feels like it's his job to do something.

"Thanks," he adds, looking around uncomfortably.

"I'll owl you once I talk to him?"

"Uh... why don't I come back in like a week or something?"

He understands the fear of the note getting into the wrong hands, but it's still scary, and his stomach turns a bit. His mind drifts to Sirius again. "Sure."

The door opens just as Regulus is getting up and putting his wand in his pocket. Sirius walks inside and two sets of wide gray eyes meet as a moment of silence fills the room, almost like a calm before the storm, and then Sirius' wand is out and he makes this almost animalistic growling noise, and Regulus turns on the spot. Remus is horrified when he sees green rush just past the spot Regulus was standing not seconds ago.

But then his eyes are on Remus.

"We need to talk," Remus says slowly. He waits for an answer, but he never gets one. Sirius just stairs at him with narrowed eyes. "Sirius?"

He shakes his head and heads for their bedroom door.

"Sirius?" He asks again, standing up to follow him. "What-"

The door slams in his face, and he tried to open it, but it's locked. He tries _alohomora_, but Sirius must have put an anti-unlocking charm on it.

He leans against the door. He tries to imagine what Sirius was thinking when he walked in the door and saw his lover sitting with a death eater, even if the death eater was his little brother.

He must think it's him.

"Sirius, it's not-"

"I think you should go."

"He wanted-"

"_Leave_."

He bites his lip harder. His mouth begins to taste like iron. He kicks the door before turning around and heading back into the living room. _Leave_. Leave where, exactly? They live together. He throws a handful of floo powder into the fireplace and says James' address.

When he steps out of the fireplace, the room is dark, but he can see a light in the kitchen. James must see the fire turn green, because he rushes in, wand at the ready. His eyes narrow when he sees Remus.

"What's your secret?"

"You mean my 'furry little problem'?" he asks, forcing a half of a smile.

The wand goes back into James' pocket as he returns the pathetic grin. "You scared me half to death. What the bloody hell are you doing here at one in the morning?"

"Sirius came home and we, um, had a bit of a row."

"Yeah? And instead of working it out you decided to come here?"

"He kicked me out."

James' eyes narrow suspiciously again. Remus is rather sick of people looking at him like that. "Why?"

"It's a... really long story. Do you want to hear it?"

They're both distracted by an owl scratching at the kitchen window. Remus follows James inside, taking note of his peanut butter and jelly sandwich on the counter, a work in progress. He must've interrupted him. The window opens and he takes the letter, shutting it again behind the bird.

"What is it?" Remus asks.

James looks like he's seen a ghost. Remus walks over and peeks at the letter. It is written in Sirius' thin, elegant script, and it reads simply:

_I was right_

"Right about what?" he says, although he thinks he already knows. When James doesn't answer he adds, "Bloody hell. Do you wanna hear the story or not? I can only deal with one of you being a tosser at a time, and right now it's Sirius."

He nods hesitantly, his hand instinctively reaching into his pocket for his wand.

"You realize this is ridiculous. Sirius just got home from something for the order. He probably hasn't slept in days. I wouldn't exactly trust his judgement right now over everything I know about a person I've been best friends with for ten years."

He relaxes, if only fractionally, and sits down at his kitchen table, folding his arms on its surface. "Sit. Tell the story."

So he does. "Regulus showed up while Sirius was out. I mean it, he just flooed in. Barely asked. And... he told me he doesn't want to do it anymore, doesn't want to be on Voldemort's side. Even put his wand on the table while we talked. I told him I would talk to someone, see what we could do, when Sirius came in and saw him and... must've gotten the wrong idea, I guess? Thought, you know, well, that it's me. That I was plotting with him or something ridiculous."

"Really? That's it?"

"I swear."

"That sounds like a little domestic. Why did you have to come bother me?"

"He thinks I'm a death eater, James. We kind of share a bed and he thinks I want to kill him."

"The things I do for you two," he says, walking over to the fire. He throws some floo powder in and sticks his head in. Remus waits while his friend speaks to Sirius. He doesn't know how to feel. He's kind of hurt, in all honesty, that it even occured to Sirius that it could be him, and all relationships need trust, and they have none anymore.

Once James pulls his head out, Sirius stumbles out of the fire and immediately finds something interesting to look at on the carpet.

"Apologize, you prat," James tells him tiredly. "I wanna go back to bed."

"I can do it alone, you know."

"I don't need you two destroying my living room with hexes."

Sirius sighs heavily as he sits down next to Remus. "I'm sorry. We're all just stressed out right now, and I'm tired, and well, it scared me when I came home and saw you sitting with my bloody brother. He's just like my parents, you know."

"Mmh. I don't go around calling you a traitor whenever I forget my coffee in the morning, though."

"I'm just scared," he says honestly. "I don't want it to be anyone, least of all you."

"It's not. You shouldn't even think that."

His hand reaches for Remus'. There are a million things left unsaid, and Remus feels a bit awkward with James watching them like that anyway.

"Well," he says, getting the hint. "I'm satisfied. I'm going to bed. The guest room's open if you wanna stay." He heads upstairs quietly, and Remus watches after him.

"He forgot about his sandwich."

"_Sandwich?_"

"It's peanut butter and jelly. Inside, if you must go."

He grins. "Come with me. I haven't seen you in four days."

So he follows Sirius into the kitchen, watching him get to work on finishing the sandwich.

"I do love you," he murmurs. "Sorry I'm such a git sometimes."

"Mmh. It's okay," he says. They both know it's not, but it will be. "Finish your sandwich so we can go to bed."

"I still get the priviledge of sharing a bed with my Moony?"

He grins softly. "If you promise to behave."

"Oh, I don't know that I can."

"Git."

They both laugh. Sirius pulls himself onto the counter as he eats his sandwich. "Lily is truly a goddess for introducing us to these muggle foods."

"What are you talking about? I ate peanut butter and jelly all the time when I was a little kid."

"That's because you had hippie Muggle-savvy parents."

"I wouldn't be making fun of someone else's parents if I were you."

"True. Mine drove both of their sons away," he says with a victorious smirk.

"So you believe him?"

"Don't you?"

"I don't know. I figured I had to help him either way. He's your brother."

"I didn't really consider him one a few hours ago."

"You don't get to choose your family, Sirius."

"Says who? I chose you guys and it's working out just fine."

"Yeah, you know, except for when you called me a death eater a little bit ago."

"Shhh."

He laughs softly, resting his hands on Sirius' knees. He supposed he's right, though. They are family. Him and Sirius and James and Lily and Peter, when he decides to be around, which as of late is just at important Order meetings.

Sirius pops the last bite of sandwich in his mouth, and Remus waits anxiously as he chews, then swallows, and he knows the kiss is coming even before he leans down to press their lips together.

"Mmh," he mumbles into Sirius' lips. He can feel Sirius shake with silent laughter in front of him, but he's been waiting since he left for this kiss, and it's every bit as perfect as he imagined it'd be.

"You're _moaning_," Sirius says, his lips still against Remus'. "You're _moaning_ and we're in James' kitchen and we're barely even snogging."

"I missed you."

Sirius laughs, but hops down. "I don't think James would approve of us shagging in his guest room."

"Yeah? Maybe we should go home then."

"Mmh," His lips are on Remus' neck, scraping the skin there gently. "So far."

"No," He protests. "Sirius Orion Black, we are not-" But then Sirius presses his hips into Remus', and he temporarily loses his ability to think. "Shit."

"It's _two floors_ away from Harry's room."

Remus knows this, however it sounds much more appealing when presented in a low, raspy voice. "I-"

"Come on," Sirius answers with a grin. He finally pulls away to lead him down to the guest room, but Remus has a hard time being mad at him for not listening.

* * *

After is always when he's sure. It's these moments, and they're always the same, Sirius kissing his neck as he wraps his arms around him and looks up at the ceiling, when he is sure that Sirius would never betray his friends. He feels a bit like he does after transformations, but also a bit like he just drank an elixir to induce euphoria. He feels a soft, contented sigh slip from his lips.

"Everything okay, love?"

"Well, no," he says, running his hand soothingly over Sirius' firm back. "Everything's perfect."

"You have quite a funny definition of perfect."

"Shut up," he answers. "Don't. Not right now."

Sirius' lips brush his own, and he immediately leans into it. "Mm," he murmurs. "Shit. Moony."

"Stop," he says with a soft grin, pulling away. "No. Not again."

"I could keep going all night."

"I know, Pads. Go to sleep."

"Moonyyy."

Laughing, he pushes Sirius off of him and wraps his arms around him. "Goodnight, love."

Sirius groans as he buries his face in Remus' shoulder. "I hate you."

"I love you, too."

He groans again. Remus doesn't understand what the problem is. He sounds like he's already half asleep. "Fuck you."

"You just did. Rather thoroughly, in fact."

"I did, didn't I?"

"Mmh. Go to sleep."

"Did you like it?"

"I'm not doing this."

"Tell me you loved it, Moony!"

"Oh, God. You need to go to bed."

He laughs, kissing Remus' jaw. "You did. You like to bottom."

"Jesus, Sirius, _shut up_ and go to bed."

"Am I making you uncomfortable?"

"_Sirius_."

He doesn't respond, just runs his fingers aimlessly over Remus' chest. "When is the next full moon?"

"Next Thursday."

"Do you want me to go with you?"

"I'm... doing something," he answers carefully.

"Oh."

"I'm sorry. I miss it too."

"Whatever."

"It's for the Order," he says. "Obviously, I mean. But that's kind of more important."

"I know."

He kisses Sirius' nose. "Don't get all grumpy just because you don't get to hang out with a big, gross werewolf."

"You're not gross."

"It's okay. You're gross when you're Padfoot, too," he says, and then suddenly there's a dog in his arms, and he laughs out loud as he licks his face. "Sirius!" He barks, and Remus practically falls off of the bed trying to hold him down, but he can't stop laughing. "Stop it, you mutt, your godson is sleeping!"

Suddenly there's another man beneath him laughing just as hard as he is. "Fuck," he says, still practically giggling. "Do you think I woke him up?"

"No. Don't worry about it," he says, rolling off of him with a smile.

"K," he answers, tucking himself into Remus' arms. "You know I was kidding when I said I hate you, right?"

"Really? I hadn't guessed."

"Mhm. I really love you, Moony," he murmurs. "But don't tell Remus I said that."

He laughs. "Go to bed, you poofter."

And so there are two things Remus is sure of as he falls asleep in his lover's arms. The first is that Sirius would sooner die than betray their friends.

The second is that tomorrow he may feel differently.

* * *

_If we live to see the other side of this_  
_I will remember your kiss_  
_So do it with your mouth open_  
_And take your foot off of the brake_  
_For Christ's sake!_

* * *

So. Yeah. This had little to no editing and was written in one sitting, which I almost never do.

Title comes from the Mountain Goats song which just has that uneasy kind of feeling and I don't even know it just seemed right but it's not a very good title. If you have any better ideas I may steal them and change it, so... suggestions in reviews maybe? Anyway, the moral of the story: listen to the Mountain Goats! Your life will be infinitely better.

Reviews make me happy :)

PS: I would totally love to know some people in this fandom and I currently don't so I guess what I'm trying to say is please be my friend? I'm not above shameless begging. C'mon, please? :) :)


End file.
